I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar maker wants you to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, ''I survived."
The other hand, Chris Cleave
I realized that in the past couple of months I've changed. I woke up this morning looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognize who/what I've become.
I use to be a person with alot of compassion and heart and I would easily give the clothes on my back to help others. Lately I feel bitter, grudgey and just plain hurtful in my attitude. Changing worlds, starting and ending seasons constantly, being scarred from life experiences and a serious lack of gummi bears have made me feel jaded.
When I look at homeless person on the street right now I think about stats, pimps and how "bad the system" is in Cambodia.
When did I lose this? I need to get a little bit of the summer of 2005 back in me.
I am going to be honest and say that I NEVER ever share really personally stories or events. Most of you that know me know why, but today I am going to share something really really personally. India this year is really stretching me, more than last year and I feel an obligation to express this.
Yesterday at Kalighat they brought a man in on a tarp and while my friend Ryan and I were doing dishes he looked at me and said "That doesn't look good" I carried on doing dishes, it's one of my favourite past times. After dishes I went to wash my hands and head upstairs for chai and to call it a day. On my way to the roof a long term volunteer yelled out for me to help him pick up this old man. I came over to pick him up and well he really started to smell. I looked at him and realized that he just had a shower, so where is this rotting smell coming from?
I noticed he had a bandage on his hand but it looked like a normal kalighat wound. We eventually found him a bed and a nurse came to undress the bandage. What I saw can't really be described, but I will try... The skin off his hand was gone, you can put your fingers through his bones, tons of maggots, rotting black skin and the strong smell of dead flesh. I was shocked, even the nurse was shocked by the extent and she has been working there for over 10 years... I called Ryan over quickly and told him to comfort this man. I then held his hand and watched in horror as they gave him some meds and then tried to save his fingers...
...after pulling out all the maggots, they realized that they couldn't save his fingers... they were dead and too badly infected so they just started cutting them off one by one until there was nothing left. They bandaged up his hand and all that was left was a stump. I prayed that he would make it through the nite. I saw him today and he looked better but I really wouldn't be able to tell the long term effect for a while.
What really affected me out of all of this happened today. On my back from kalighat I saw an old man walking slowly with a stump in his arm. On his arm I saw a plastic bag around he definitely was homeless. I wanted to bend down and touch his feet and bless him, my heart went out to him...but instead I gave him my water bottle made the sign of peace and walked on. I feel horrid, I feel like the worst man in the world, I felt like I really didn't learn anything from Kalighat yesteday...who am I? what am I?
I hope that understanding and patience will make me grow into a more caring individual. I hope.
Where did this Jam go? Where can I meet him?
In fact the whole month of May challenged and scarred me, but I survived and it made me become the person I wanted to look at in the mirror everyday.
I need to find something that would challenge me again probably teaching will do it this year.